Cat Shepherding
by Enchanter T.I.M
Summary: A kinkmeme request where all the part members are transformed leaving Anders to pick up the pieces and hairballs.


"So you're saying that I should go on vacation with Aveline, keep her out of sight from others and don't come back for the next week before the powder keg - that is, the Circle - explodes?" A very confused Donnic was sitting at Aveline's desk, petting a rather content orange tabby. He looked over at Anders, who was preoccupied with both a very small calico playing in his pauldrons and an feisty kitten kneading his thighs.

For someone who was head over heels about cats, he seemed oddly displeased with his present company, minus Donnic.

"Yes, that's what you should be doing Donnic. Preferably now." Anders winced at a paw clinging to his pants.

"But Aveline would be rather mad if I were to leave without setting up a proper substitute commander." A meow sounded in agreement, as Anders looked at the cat with a stern glare.

"Yes Donnic, as crazy as this sounds I need you to take Aveline off my hands, since she seems pleseant under yours."

"Aveline. Who is… The cat I am currently petting." Anders ignored his interruption with a stony look.

"Yes, the cat you are petting... Look, could you just believe me when I tell you this without going off into a lecture about the benefits and disadvantages of transformation magic? And Merrill, would you stop licking me!?" Anders shouted at the calico, who looked up at him sheepishly.

Donnic lifted his eyebrow at the display, thinking the poor man had finally snapped, naming his pets after his only companions. Maybe it was time for a vacation away from all this Templar and Mage business, and enjoy a little time for himself. Still, Donnic found it a bit odd that Anders had found time to take care of three cats without Justice interfering.

"Anders, have you had any problems with Justice about your new friends?" Donnic let the tabby wander on the desk; it started sniffing some papers Aveline had to sign. "I mean, from what I hear he isn't the friendliest person to be around."

Anders was paying attention to Merrill and her playmate rubbing against each other, purring. "That's because he wants me to undo the grievous injustice cast upon everyone from that blood Mage we killed on the coast earlier this morning. It was funny - at first, I saw Hawke meowing up a storm thinking she was the only victim we could cover up, but when I found the others as well...let's just say they are far more harder to cover up by myself."

"Anders, there is a limit to how much one man can accept as truth, even with the uses of magic. I still find it really in poor taste that such a..." Donnic couldn't finish whatever he was thinking as he looked on at the orange tabby writing with its mouth on the stack of papers. "Is that cat writing?"

"Yes, Donnic."

"Why is she doing that, and with her mouth no less?"

"It's a curse Donnic; she might have changed form, but she's still the same workaholic Aveline."

Donnic risen from his seat, looking over the papers and noticing the cat working with the same penmanship as Aveline, making the same loops and whirls. Putting the dots together, he noticed how extremely focused the cat was doing on such detailed work.

"Would it be better to just say she's sick and I keep her at home?"

"Please, by all means it's better than nothing. Also, take these two." Anders set down the kittens mewling up a storm. "Seems only Aveline can keep those two in line."

Before Donnic could react Anders slipped through the door, running at full speed from the mews and Donnic's yells.

Anders was running like a rat on fire out of the Keep, ignoring the stares from the nobles and Templars. It wasn't that he didn't like the idea of owning and caring for a large family of cats. (Maker knows he'd be in his own personal heaven next to the orgy buffet bar.) However, he wasn't intent on taking care of these particular cursed cats. He _did_ mean what he said to Donnic about them being cursed in a cuddly fluffy form...but it was still the same people he knew for seven long years.

Sure, seeing the sight of them left both him and Sebastian bewildered at the sight. Yet, hearing their confused meows made it a little funny… Especially seeing them twitch their tails to show their emotions, flex their ears when hearing their new surroundings, and meowing to get their voices across. Out of all of them, he figured Hawke would be the most composed, being a Mage herself. Sadly, she was the most distressed, mewling in fear from not knowing what was happening.

Of course, Anders had scooped her up, consoling her with rubs and kisses on her forehead. There may have been some baby talk, but he assured her it was mostly a reflex and his Healer's nature to tend to those in need. Despite the fact that Fenris had bit him on the leg, Anders was in the most pleasant mood that Justice was left silent for once.

Reaching the Hawke Estate, Anders smoothed out his clothes, checking his pockets for the small toys and treats he secretly purchased for Hawke. If all went according to plan, the others would be taken care of by their respected others, leaving him and Hawke with a lovely tending session of being a cat, despite the other setbacks he left with Donnic.

The door slammed, echoing through the mansion into a pair of alert ears that immediately perked up. Anders slumped inside, feeling a bit relieved from dropping off his little nemesis. There is something to like about kittens being little bundles of joy, but Merrill wasn't cute when she kept attacking the Alienage elves' toes. Even worse was the fact that kitten-Isabela took it upon herself to cuddled into anyone who wasn't aware she was feeling them up. He figured she would be in several shirts before the week was over.

Thankfully, Sebastian was running errands to Xenon's, trying to find a possible cure. Sure, Anders could have gone to help, but that meant he wouldn't be able to help Hawke during this horrible moment in her life. The best way to help a fellow friend could be solved with lots of petting and a nice warm bath, which was something he left Orana and Bodhan to do in his absence while he visited the Keep. Taking off his coat, he heard a small meow coming from the foyer.

"Hawke, I'm back from dropping off Aveline, and the troublemakers! Now I left Varric and Fenris in good hands with Athenril, so that leaves me to-" Before he could finish, he found a rather fat cat sitting in front of the fire, reading a rather big book. "Varric, how did you get in here and where is Hawke?"

A series of meows from the fat cat conveyed a very convincing story of what happened while Anders was gone. Sadly enough, Anders couldn't understand the cat, which left him with the option of asking Bodhan for an easier explanation.

"Bodhan, can you tell me how Varric got inside? And where is Hawke?"

"Well Messere, the mistress has been given her bath by Orana. We made sure to get every dirt and flea off of her, which I have to say I didn't know the mistress had an abundant amount on that coat of hers."

Anders felt a bit crest fallen knowing he couldn't have a little bonding time with Hawke while washing her. "So if she's being attended to, that doesn't explain how Varric got in. Wait a second. Bodhan did Varric come alone?"

"No, Messere he was accompanied by Lord Sebastian and a group of ladies." Bodhan looked over at Varric who twitched his tail in a laid back manner." They seemed rather fond of Varric, giving him such fond attention. I was fearful one of them would take him home."

"I don't see how that would have been a problem for us." Anders muttered.

"Well, it _would_ raise a few questions on certain stories being fabricated that match a certain event inside those manors."

Anders took this time to imagine a content Varric being petted by gossipy old hens, and their daughters, going over the most recent scandals for extra fodder in his stories. Kirkwall would be a much more frightening place if Varric overcame his Dwarven resilience to magic and gained the ability to turn into a cat at will. A slight shudder ran up Anders' spine from the complications of Dwarves handling shape shifting curses. Reminding himself of his prior reason for being here, he looked upstairs rather eagerly.

"Well, as much as this is going to cause trouble, I'm going to check on Hawke and make sure she's alright."

"But Meserre, Orana has already taken care of-"

"Sorry, Healer's orders!" Anders shouted bouncing up the stairs.

For someone who always harped on about the miserable fates of the Mages in Thedas like an angry badger, he was strangely happy as he stormed into Hawke's private bedchambers, ignoring Justice's usual banter. What laid before him would have turned even Meredith's stone heart into a lively, pumping one. Laying on the bed was Hawke, dressed with an orange bow around her neck to complement her chocolate calico fur, and being brushed by Orana, who was cooing at her.

"I know this isn't right of me mistress, but you are just so cute right now I could brush you all day." Hawke mewed in response as Orana kept pampering her. "I know Bodhan told me how terrible this is for you and the others being small, scared and fuzzy, but I'll protect you."

A loud cough caught both their attention towards Anders who was looking at them with a stern gaze. He should be brushing her with a happy look on his face.

"Oh, hello Serah." Orana might have been skittish around Anders since he was a Mage, but somehow Hawke's kitty form made her more relaxed. "I gave the mistress her bath, along with some 'clothing' to make her more suitable."

"Thank you Orana, you have no idea how pleased I am that someone actually did their job right." Anders grabbed Hawke from the poor girl. "However, it is imperative I check on her as the designated healer and check for any nasty spell residue."

With a quick flick of his wrist he managed to gently push Orana out the room, while simultaneously closing the door. If there was one thing Anders was impatient about it, it had to involved a pretty face, a Mage in trouble and fluffy kitties. And since all three happened to be wrapped up in one package, Anders thought the Maker himself had given him an early Saturnalia present.

"Now Hawke, I'm sorry for all the rush but we've put off going over this check up for awhile." Hawke's tail twitched in such a cute manner Anders tried to hold in his squealing. "So I am to administer a series of tests to make sure you're well."

Sitting next down on the bed caused Hawke to mewl before Anders picked her up. He swore her fur felt like the softest, warmest thing he ever let his fingers touch. If Hawke was a little chubbier Anders wouldn't stop holding her in his arms - Or worse, kiss her tummy as she yowled in cute annoyance.

"Ahem. Alright Hawke, I need to check your vocal chords."

"Mwroar." She seemed rather pleased allowing another tail twitch.

"Yes, well that's one down. Now onto the other set." Anders lifted his hand under Hawke's chin, gently rubbing. A low purr began to emit from her and she gently rolled onto her back. For once Anders felt like such a old lady, cooing over how adorable her little kitty was and how soft her fur was.

Granted Anders said all of that in his head, he didn't need to be labeled a rebel apostate, _as well as_ an old cat lady...although it would be worth being a cat lady if all his cats were as cute as Hawke (minus the underlining sexual tension he harbored for her; no need to mix two incompatible things in one day that left him questioning his sanity).

Of course, knowing Anders' luck, that's when the last member of the kitty circle made his usual dramatic entry.

"Andraste's knicker weasels!"

Anders jumped up, healing his hand from the bite. He could hear the little beast growling up a storm as he hopped up on the bed before turning to address him. "Well, hello to you too, Fenris."

Fenris took disdain to this greeting, hunching up his back, ears pointed backwards and yowling. If the broody elf wasn't such a Mage hater Anders swore he would cuddle him to death or give him a bath for a just punishment. However, the lyrium in Fenris' skin had made the transformation somewhat more potent, resulting in Fenris turning into a larger-than-average cat. Scratch that - Fenris was basically the size of a small dog, curling around Hawke like a possessive little prat. If cats could brood, just like normal people, then Fenris was a dead ringer for the brooding championship.

"Well now Fenris, it's nice to know you're doing well. Now I know how Varric got here." Anders muttered, ignoring Hawke rubbing against Fenris. "Still, for someone named after a mutt I thought you be all howly and less fuzzy."

Fenris lowered his ears at the remark before letting out a low growl that matched the mood of his tail. Thankfully Hawke stepped in, licking his cheek with a small chirp, disarming his mood. The tension from earlier was further quickly dissolved as Varric wandered in, carrying a ball of yarn in his mouth, dropping it in front of Anders' feet.

Anders couldn't help but smirk at the action as Varric poked him on the leg.

"I take it this is your way of saying you're bored?"

Varric nodded in agreement before Hawke jumped onto the ball, having fun in the most cat-like manner.

"I think it was more for them than for you." Anders smirked as Hawke tangled herself in the yarn, followed by Fenris, who pretended to join in by sniffing a piece of yarn. "Still, I am rather thankful as usual for the intervention...It just means I'll have to pay what I owe you in Wicked Grace in double, won't I?"

Varric, doing what he could only do best as a cat, shrugged his haunches as best he could, followed by a meow of questionable tone. Stretching himself to loosen his limbs, he circled around in Anders lap, getting more comfortable then he should before settling on his side with a look of pure content.

Anders took this opportunity to begin petting Varric's glorious mane of fur. To his amazement, Varric did not bit him in retaliation or perk his ears up in annoyance. Anders didn't know how to feel at this moment, sitting on a comfy bed - not ridden with lice or fleas - with a fire roaring in the background and two cats playing in the cutest, insane manner that only cats could do. As much as this felt like a well deserved wish, Anders still longed for his real dream of being alone with the woman he loved, cuddling her with a family of kittens, to come true.

Anders looked back toward the playful couple, only to watch in time as Fenris fell flat on his face from failing a jump. He couldn't help letting out a laugh from the scene.

"Well, two out of three isn't so bad." At that moment, Varric meowed because Anders stopped petting. "Sorry, just don't tell Isabela about this because your chest is fun to rub."

Varric neither meowed at comment nor purred in response; however he did knead out of pleasure.

**Epilogue**

"So Blondie, I take it you heard the good news from Hawke?"

"Yes, yes. She is expecting a wonderful little broody litter with Fenris, practically smiling."

"I swear I heard Broody purring that last week during Wicked Grace. You'd think he could manage to keep his tongue off Hawke's-"

"Please Varric, stop right there. I had enough with the puns to last me a lifetime and I'm still not over it."

"What? You're actually over cats? I thought you could never get enough of them, seeing as they are littered around your clinic."

"I meant when I was around you all. It was fine, seeing as it was just a curse, but now I never thought I'd end up the therapist to everyone's cat hang-ups."

"Cat hang-ups? Now you got my attention Blondie. What's wrong with everyone? And leave no details on all the dirty stuff."

"Well, it's not so much as dirty...but little mundane habits they picked up during that...specific event."

"Doesn't matter. I can work out the details."

"As much as I have doctor to patient confidentiality...ah Andraste's pert chest hairs, Aveline and Isabela sleep together almost every night and it's concerning Donnic."

"Really? Did it scare the shit out of you? Aveline and Rivaini... It's about time those two happened, but I don't see why Donnic is unhappy about all this."

"It's because they are just sleeping, literally together, curled up next to each other. I think Isabela also fondles Aveline's...breasts during it and Aveline just pets her like a child."

"You're kidding right? No sexy pillow fights? No ripping each others' clothes off in a fit of forbidden passion with Donnic reaping the rewards? No 'hard-boiled Guard captain and the Sargent with the naughty rouge in jail'?"

"You seem awfully sad at the fact that Donnic isn't a part of this, or that those two aren't even doing anything."

"I'm just giving my readers what they want. Donnic in disbelief over this being one of them.. I mean, Rivaini isn't one for cuddling and peaceful sleeping. Yeeach, it's like Bartrand dressing in drag."

"Well, it's better than Merrill's problem."

"Oh no, what has Daisy done this time? No wait, let me guess. She's attacking the Alienage elves toes and can't help herself?"

"Nope."

"She occasionally gets caught in her ball of twine cause it's so shiny? No wait, too expected."

"Varric, I'll save you the trouble of guessing and just say she no longer gets lost anymore and she's really good at hiding now."

"How is that a problem for Daisy? If anything, it just means I get to pay my little ears and eyes less time to watch out for her."

"No, she's just scared that she'll use it to watch Fenris and Hawke go at secretly in the Hanged man."

"Really now. I never pegged Daisy into voyeurism."

"Apparently she went into detail about Fenris' chiseled bum and other areas etched in lyrium. I rather not know about her feeling the urge to lick those areas. All this time, I pegged her for liking Hawke a little too much."

"Hmm, maybe I should find a nice elf for Daisy to keep her occupied. Someone less broody and crazy from blood magic. Maybe a little bit of Dalish in him with a wild streak to keep her babbling."

"I don't think this is encouraging for her, let alone what I just told you. If anything, I'm more worried about a anything sexual for Merrill."

"Well it can't hurt to let Daisy enjoy life. I'm sure she had her fill with the Dalish frolicking ...with all that nature-y shit."

"Varric, there is something I have to ask you concerning your visit."

"What is it, Blondie? I'm writing down my notes."

"You _do_ realize you have been sitting rather close during this conversation, right? With your head in my lap in a certain way that reflects the others' habits."

"Yeah, well Bianca understands my weird quirks and is very understanding."

"Look, if I scratch your chest hairs you'll leave and never tell this to anyone will you?"

"Shit Blondie, I intend to keep this a secret till my dying paragon days. Now less talking and more petting. Daddy has some stories to right."

"Sigh...the things I do for strays."


End file.
